Don't Take It Personal

Urban youth work is an honor to be a part of, but it comes with it’s challenges. It's often thankless, and the fruit of your investment doesn’t show until years later. It’s not financially rewarding as people think (for many years I’ve been flat broke lol), nor is it glamorous, especially when you are dealing with age old urban issues that lead to death, violence, addiction, and more. Recently as a 19 year vet of urban work, I have been faced with a particular challenge that hasn’t been easy for me to swallow. That challenge is being blamed for things or being accused of things when it has absolutely nothing to do with me, or when the accusations are the furthest from the truth. I’ve put some thought to this and felt the need to write to encourage youth workers around the world. 

When facing this challenge it will make you want to quit, tuck tail and run. Being blamed for something creates resentment, anger and frustration and it will cause you to do things that are not healthy as a way to cope with the criticism. You’ll want to justify everything, to both yourself and to others. You’ll want to cut off the very ones that are attacking you. You’ll want to isolate yourself, and depression will be knocking at your door. Here are a few tips that I’d like to recommend to combat these dysfunctions. I hope they help.

Breathe and reconnect to your why:

Take a breath, a deep one. These accusations, both inappropriate and erroneous are NOT going to win. They do not reflect the truth, nor do they reflect who you are. I can spend a whole blog entry talking about how hurt people hurt people. Or I can spend time talking about how when something unpleasant happens, people naturally will try to come up with an explanation for it. Their explanations are based on their own experiences, skill sets and acquired knowledge. They trust in the certainty of their answer rather than siding with you and the reality of details, because admitting their mistakes challenges their sense of ego and more. But I won't spend all of our time talking about that. All you can do is control what you can control. Control your breath, mitigate your stress and anxiety, and fall back on your why! Think about it. Why did you get into this? Why do you stay standing in the gap for the fatherless, the poor, the oppressed and the marginalized? What caused you to sacrifice the way you do? Why do you choose to love the unlovable? Why have you gone without for so long? Why has your family “taken the hit” for the benefit of others? Why have you forgiven those who offend you so often? Answer that. Make the response a short and simple why so that you can pull it out of your wallet or purse and remind yourself of this when times get tough. 

My why goes back to my personal faith journey. I was despised, oppressed, forgotten, and overlooked. I suffered much. But I experienced redemption, reconciliation, forgiveness and love, and that transformed me. Here is my way: “I love because He first loved me”

Humble yourself, and offer grace:

It’s not easy to humble ourselves. Pride and anger can be such strong resistors. I have learned that humility is the best route to take during times like these. Although in the beginning I mostly feel like I didn’t make any mistakes, when really listening (to myself, others, and the offender) I can usually identify a shortcoming. Admitting this, to myself and to my offender is not easy, but it is the right thing to do. When responding in this way it paves the way for grace. Grace should be offered to yourself and to your accusers. Attempt to offer it, and even when not received by the other party, give it away freely from your heart. Sometimes we have to leave it at that and pray that time, maturation, self-development and healing will win over and bring reconciliation at a later time. I’ve had experiences when people have accused and offended me, and then 8 years later they return in humility and apologize for their behavior. This is of course only when I lead by example. 

Love & forgive, radically:

Continue to love and forgive. Be quick to offer forgiveness and do so with no further expectations. Don’t only offer forgiveness when it comes to you in the form you believe it should. Remind yourself that those who are often in conflict with you have been abandoned, hurt and burned so many times that these are learned behaviors that assist them to survive. Love those who are in conflict with you. Love them in spite of their imperfections. Continue to force yourself to be reminded of the good in them, the light.

Keep running:

Do not let this interrupt your pace. Stay focused. There will be casualties in our work. We cannot reconcile with every accuser. We should give every effort to make it right, but we will not always be successful. We have to release those who are unwilling and move on to continue the good work. Stay determined, remain unshaken and keep running!

Eric Vasquez, JU4Y