Single Parenting

“I didn’t plan on being a single mom, but you have to deal with the cards you are dealt the best way you can” (Tichina Arnold). I thought as a child raised in a home by all women and no fathers around it was normal, only to realize that when I became a mother, I was repeating a cycle of raising fatherless children. Growing up I was raised by my grandmother. My mother passed away when I was two years old. She was murdered. I knew my father, but not really and the memory I do have of him he was either high or drunk to the point where he couldn’t maintain his own balance. My father would later die by the time I was seven and the last memory I have of him was identifying his body at the hospital with my grandmother. I saw all women growing up in my family. My mother brothers where around but they were either on drugs or alcoholics and had children that they did not raise neither did they take care of the children they had, leaving the mothers of their own children to be single mothers. I too would later be this cycle recreating it for my children.

My Grandmother which is my mom’s mother raised me and died of a heart attack on November 19th, 1997. I was only 14yrs old at the time. She died 11 days before my birthday. I lived with my mom’s sisters which is my aunts during high school. For the first two year I stayed with my mom’s oldest sister and the last two years I stayed with my mom’s baby sister. I graduated from high school and shortly after an altercation occurred between me and my cousin my aunt asked me to leave. I lived in shelters, with strangers that I had just met and friends that I knew from high school. I met my oldest daughter father when I was 19. We were young, but he was very abusive. I was still homeless while pregnant with her and gave birth to my baby at 21.

I would go on to have two more children in which my youngest daughter’s dad I end up marrying. I finally got on my feet and moved in my own place after being homeless for 9yrs. My now ex-husband at that time had a strong drug addiction. He was addicted to crack cocaine, so we never were able to keep money in the home because he would use it to get high. I did work, but on my lunch breaks I would cash my checks to pay the drug dealer for an unpaid debt that my ex-husband owed due to his drug addiction. I decided to separate from him for the safety and best interest of me and my kids. I would later divorce him which left me a single mother and no support from my kids’ father.

The struggles I face with being a single parent first begins with myself. I had a lot of trauma that took place in my life that at one point was never addressed or dealt with. I was dealing with the loss of both parents, the only mother I knew is now gone, abusive relationship after abusive relationship, a failed marriage and now I am a mother. I struggled with identifying with who I am and loving myself enough to believe that I could love these 3 beautiful little girls that I was gifted with. I struggle with giving them all of me in attention and affection because I am now discovering me and loving me. I manage to love them, but not as much as I would like to. I struggle with decision making at times because I cannot worry about what is best, but what is convenient and safe. I struggle with providing their needs because I am a one parent home, so all my money must be spread out amongst what we need and not what we want. I struggle with motivating myself at times just to keep going because as a single parent you become so drained with doing it alone or by yourself that you sometimes don’t have it to give to your kids, so the areas that they need to be inspired, encouraged or motivated they get neglected because I at times am feeling empty and like a failure. I wear so many different hats and doing the role of both parents that I do drop the ball, but I try to pull from inside of me and give them that strength that gets me up and say keep going and that is a simple “you are strong because I am strong”.

The reality of me being a single mother is I am growing with my children while I am raising them. My children have taught me how to be a mother. I was never a selfish person, but I learned how to share me on a level that I am not just living for myself. I take that reality with me on my job, in class, or in public because I realize that people need people and at times when you have nothing to give it is another person that have enough to give to you even when your depleted. My oldest daughter taught me that. I remember we were living in a shelter in Upland and I was really depressed, and I could not get out the bed and my baby grabbed her ball and said, “come on mommy get up and play”. She was only two at the time, but she had enough in her to get me up and give to her what she needed from me as a mother. And because of my children and the reality that me and my girls are growing together I can be an effective and successful single mother.

My hope for my children is that they don’t make the same mistakes that I did. That they have watched me closely even in my failures and do it better. I hope that through me getting my education and the long conversations that I have had with my girls the they wait and love themselves first and know who they are before they except anything less than what they deserve. I know that they will make mistakes, they will get hurt, and fail but my biggest hope is that they keep going, but in the process get healed, keep loving themselves and never loose who they know they are and that is a survivor who has been put in this earth to give love, share and be a leader to others.

Organizations like JU4Y has help to bring balance in the area of support. I don’t trust everyone with my children. I look for integrity, respect, trust, love and loyalty in people because that is what I stand on. The staff as well as the founder of the JU4Y have all those characteristics. They provide a platform that gives my children a voice in the community. My daughter did a podcast and she touched on a social issue. That social issue had to do with her being the only African American in her neighbor hood as well as her school and while waiting for the bus a teenager recognized her from that podcast. It made her feel good that she was not only heard but recognize. I know that my child is safe because the trust of the parents is earned first. This is just not an organization, but a lifeline of support and mentorship.

I would encourage all parents not to give up. It doesn’t matter what you have done, what you feel like you could of did more of don’t be so hard on yourself. In the process of giving your children the love and support they need make sure you yourself is getting the love and support you need, so you can keep being the support your children need. Don’t loose yourself. Live a little, have fun you deserve it. Reward yourself. To the parents that have that one child that you feel like you drop the ball with, or they make you feel like they don’t need you just know that they love you and you are the best parent that your children could have asked for because you were chosen for the job. Everyone doesn’t get chosen and to be a parent is an honor, so pat yourself on the back for a job well done that did not come with instructions.

Chalon Mobley